Raising The Child We Have, Not The One We Want

It is not an easy task to adhere to the tantrums thrown by toddlers, who grow up to be in their adolescence years only to hear them saying they wish they were born into another family. It can be like pushing a dagger right through the parent’s heart and ripping it by giving jerks so there is nothing more to left to do any damage. There are so many underlying elements that come into picture, where kids express such negative opinions.

There is a rise in young adults who are depressed, according to psychologists even though most of them claimed that their childhood was magical. There were feelings in them which are that of resentment and worthlessness. It’s often shocking to see that parents who have taken utmost care for their children could be the ones who are hated the most!

With the advent of so many books and resources available on parenting, parents are confused as an advice in one book is contradicted in another says Ms. Nancy Rose in her book ‘Raise the child you’ve got, not the one you want’. She further adds that parent’s action speak louder than their words, if parents are being hypocritical it will definitely affect the children as well.

1. Failing to accept the kids as they are:

Even before the child has entered this world, parents tend to have everything in place. It’s not just the ‘what will be his/her name’ but ‘what career he/she has to take to be successful’. This is of course understood to be the good intention on the part of the parents, however if a child is not inclined to whatever his/her parents have chose must not be misunderstood.

Parents can only guide their child but cannot and must not live their (kid’s) life. The way to come out of disappointments is to accept the child for who they really are and being acquainted with the child’s core traits will help parents in understanding their children even more.

2. Not letting kids to fail or experience risk:

Some parents cannot see a single tear in the eyes of their kids. They rush to make every situation favorable to the child. It is a natural instinct to protect your child and be cautious but it should never hinder the physical or emotional growth of the child.

Saving them from short term pain will only make them, in future unable to handle and cope with a disastrous event. The emotional growth will take place only when the child experiences that not everything will happen the way they want and there are trade offs to be made.

3. Forgetting that it’s what parents DO that matters not so much as what they SAY:

It is strange when parents yell at their kids not to raise their voice, do as they (parents) say. Such attitudes start suffocating your child from the very beginning, once when they tried to voice their concerns and see that it is met with exasperation, kids stop voicing their opinions.

Giving them a task only to say that they cannot do anything at all, and taking back the responsibility will bring down the child’s self-esteem. It is parents responsibility to check their attitudes, and to see that what they’re saying (I love my child) is matching their actions (yelling at your child).

4. Pushing kids to be competitive and better than their peers:

It starts with a seemingly natural thing for parents to compare their kids with others. But it is one of the things that can let negativity set in and make children think that no matter how they perform they will always be measured by taking other’s success into consideration and how far they have reached it.

When you tell a child constantly, even after putting their maximum of effort, that they need to do more they see it as failure. Failure to make parents happy and they judge themselves harshly for not achieving what was set as a goal.

It’s a toxic thing to let your child feel that they’re not enough. This can often lead to stress and anxiety disorders. Let them take a break, breathe and just get on with the flow.

5. Asking them to do what parents have aspired for them:

Parents try to live their life by giving their goals, which for many reasons were thwarted, now to their children and looking up to their kids to do justice. It’s one of the many reasons why children and some young adults feel so stressed about the outcomes on which they hardly have any control.

The want of your child excelling in each and everything can make the kid anxious all the time and may stop enjoying the wonderful moments that life gives them. Parents need to separate themselves from their kids and see them as individuals, who need to live life through their own choices.

All that parents can do is to let the child develop that strength, to take his/her decisions and stick to them. By giving them opportunities to voice their opinions and letting them just be as they are can help instill confidence and courage in their kids.

Giving them tools to make wise decisions is the vital thing a parent is supposed to do, and it’s up to kids to hone their skills in making their decisions by using these tools. Accept them the way they are and we can see the connection between them make them closer to us. They shine with their happiness, are more expressive in their ways and show greater respect for their parents.

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